So my mom has been following my blog and has made a blogquest. Because my mom can kick your mom’s ass, I’ve decided that I will obey. Especially since I feel like I peaked harder than the kid that screwed Debra Lafave after my yoga cho-cha post.
First off, some background information on my mom. Mom is a teeny crazy, like me. She’s also got a temper, likes to drink beer, and cusses. None of these things she wants you to know, but they are part of her chemical make-up and make her the best mom ever. Again, deal.
Mom’s story starts off about forty years ago. Her and Dad were still newlyweds and recently moved to Florida. Dad’s nephew, who is around the same age as them, came to Florida from Virginia for a visit. Enter Virgin Redneck Nephew (VRN).
Well, VRN got the hots for Mom. I can imagine Mom walking around her Florida house, short-shorts and a Coors Light, probably looking like every Virginia hillbilly’s wet dream. VRN was spellbound, to hell with Dad. VRN wanted Mom. VRN hit on Mom. VRN tried. VRN failed. Mom got pissed. Enter Mom’s temper.
Luckily, Mom married a guy that is just a bit crazier than her and just don’t give a fuck. Enter Dad. Mom told Dad about the situation with VRN, and Dad cooked up a great idea for revenge. Here was the plan:
- Dad would pretend to go to work one night.
- Mom would wear short-shorts and drink Coors Light.
- VRN would see short-shorts and Coors Light.
- VRN would get a hard-on.
- Mom would encourage VRN.
- Dad would hide outside and look in the window.
- Mom would get VRN to the couch.
- VRN would kiss Mom.
- Dad would see the kiss and enter house.
- Dad would whoop VRN’s ass.
- Mom and Dad would laugh.
Dad: “What in the hell are you doing with my wife?”
VRN: “Sh-sh-short-sh-shorts! Coors Light!”
Dad: bitch-slaps VRN
VRN: shits himself
Enter The Problem. Mom and Dad NEVER told VRN it was a joke. VRN spent the next forty years, living in guilt, tortured by Mom’s kiss and Dad’s ass-whoop. Mom and Dad spent the next forty years laughing their cracks off at VRN.
Time passed. Mom and Dad eventually moved back to Virginia. Everyone was grown up. Including VRN’s sisters. Grown up enough to tell their mother VRN’s side of the story. I imagine it went something like this:
“Did you know that L wore short-shorts and drank Coors Light until VRN almost lost his mind? She was practically begging him to screw her! Now your brother is married to a Jeezebel, and poor VRN has felt bad his whole life. How could you possibly let her in your house?!”
Due to the small nature of the town, one horse and one red-light, I imagine Mom got a reputation pretty quickly. Dad’s sisters are, by far, the town gossips, and those girls will talk about everything from how much the grass grew to what color they shit that morning. VRN’s story was a nice diversion. I am sure they painted it worse and worse, and Mom was probably known as Clintwood’s Oldest Whore. I can just see the geriatrics with their social security checks and Cialis trying to drum up a piece from Mom. All thanks to those gossiping girls.
Naturally Mom and Dad got pissed. Beyond pissed. Confrontation ensued. It started when one of the gossip girls asked Mom to not come over anymore. Then another one told Mom she couldn’t help at church. On and on.
The war progressed. Dad told the gossip girls off. The gossip girls yelled at Dad. I forget the details, but this eventually led to The Big One. The gossip girls decided to go to Mom and Dad’s house and have it out.
Now these bitches are crazy. And old. All of them are in their late sixties and crazy as fuck. Can you see it? Mom, Dad, and two of the gossip girls screaming, yelling, swearing, kicking, and fighting. At one point one of the sisters made a grab at Mom, but Mom has mad ninja skills and blocked her. They eventually parted ways, Mom and Dad on one side, and VRN and the gossip girls on the other. I was assured no Depends were hurt during this altercation.
The moral of this story? Don’t ever wear short-shorts, drink Coors Light, and screw with Virgin Redneck Nephews. It can really fuck things up forty years later.
Friends who don’t return phone calls or emails.
True friends, like L and T.
CURRENTLY LISTENING TO:
“Mountain Music” – Alabama
Breaking Dawn by Stephanie Meyer… and I ADORE it!