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r.i.p. a.s.

Experiences from previous relationships account for some of my best stories. In order to protect the innocent, I will refer to ANY ex as “X.” Please note that several men will share the name “X.”

I tell this story as a warning to everyone to not screw with me.

While X was your typical nice guy, he used to frequently piss me off. We would yell, cuss, and fight. He would throw things. I pulled a knife on him one time. We were as mentally compatible as a ferret and a tomato. I do not remember what X did to piss me off on this particular occasion, but he set off a chain of events that no man wants to experience.

Whatever we were fighting about at the time, X decided the best course of action would be to get drunk. This really pissed me off. There I was, more annoyed than a horny eunuch, while X was drinking JD like water. The more he drank, the more livid I got. Here’s the conversation that ensued:

J: Your ass is so hairy.

X: <blank expression>

J: Your ass looks like you shit a squirrel.

X: Ok.

J: Let’s do something about it.

X: Ok.

At this point, I left the house and made my way towards the local Food Lion. I thought of many different possibilities in response to X’s quick compliance to kill his Ass Squirrel. As I walked the aisles of the grocery store, I finally stopped at the section that has the disposable razors and Nair. My eyes settled on the at-home waxing kits. Perfect.

When I busted into the house with my recently purchased rodent remover, I found X totally tanked. I reminded him of his consent to do something about his abundance of butt hair. Surprisingly, he not only remembered, but he also willingly removed his boxer briefs and got into the necessary position. There is nothing more awe-inspiring than seeing a drunk man with his bare ass sticking up in the air like a cat in heat. I quickly made with the wax.

The directions on the box instructed me to warm the wax in the microwave for thirty seconds. I put the wax in the microwave and set the timer to a minute-thirty, just to make sure I had enough time to finish reading the directions. By the time the microwave dinged, I had just gotten to the section that said something about getting the wax too hot. The microwave had dinged though, so I didn’t really have time to finish reading that part.

While I warmed the wax, X maintained the position. He was also probably half-asleep. I quietly got close, dipped the popsicle stick device into the wax, and quickly smeared it down his crack.

X: Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrr! What the hell!

J: Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

X: I thought you were going to SHAVE it.

J: Well, this is faster and easier.

X: Please just get it off already!

So I did the only thing I could do – I ripped off the wax strip. X screamed. I laughed again. I looked at the paper with relish, and the hairy mammal stared back at me.

A short while later X was finally capable of pulling himself together to go and inspect my work. This consisted of him putting a handheld mirror on the floor of the bathroom and attempting to squat over it – while drunk. Apparently I didn’t do so great of a job with the wax, because X was cussing profusely and making random threats towards my well-being. It was worth it, though.

RIP Ass Squirrel.

Today’s list:

Those pants and shorts that chicks wear with the words printed on the ass. Could there be a more obvious way of asking people to look at your butt?

Chocolate Drumsticks.

“Here I Go Again” – White Snake

New Moon – Stephanie Meyer (Will they just do it and get it over with already?!?)


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