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22 hours of chaos

At 6:37pm on Sunday evening I updated my Facebook status to read: “I have never been so bored before.”  I made plans to watch the season finale of True Blood, take a nerve pill, and hit the sack.  Less than two hours later, Karma, that vengeful whore, had other plans.  What follows is a timeline of the craziest 22 hours of my life since I’ve turned thirty.

8:10pm: Talking with my amazing mother on the phone.  My buddy Red sashays her sweet ass across the street.

8:12pm: Hang up with mom.  Red says, “Mind if I hang until my boyfriend Firefighter and his friend Leprechaun show up?”  Sure.  No problem.  I was bored as fuck.

8:20pm: “Hey,” says Red.  "Firefighter just waxed his truck, so let’s make a big fucking deal on how nice it looks." 

8:45pm: Firefighter drives by yelling, “I found a street with hawt women!”

8:46pm: Firefighter exits his extremely shiny truck carrying a cooler.  Leprechaun follows with a twelve pack of beer.  I warn them that my dog bites.  Leprechaun insists all dogs love him.

9:00pm: True Blood season finale starts.  

9:06pm: Firefighter shows that his cooler contains lots of ice and a gallon of rum.  Firefighter is cool.

9:10pm: I think, “Well, I will stay up until 9:30.  These motherfuckers are fun.”  True Blood was getting DVR'd anyway.

9:11pm: Firefighter says, “What’s in your cup?”  I proudly answer, “Cherry Pepsi.”

9:12pm: Firefighter confiscates my cup.

9:13pm: My cup is returned with mystery drink.  It tastes like Diet Pepsi.  I am happy with this Diet Pepsi concoction.  I think, “Hmm... one drink.  Then True Blood.  I will stay up until 10:00pm because I am a good girl.”

9:30pm: I present Firefighter with my cup and demand a refill.  Red informs Firefighter and Leprechaun that I have officially lost control.  I think, “One more drink.  I will stay up until 10:30pm.  Then I will watch True Blood, think of Eric Northman, work my clit like a motherfucking DJ, and go to sleep like a good girl.”

9:45pm: I’m buzzed.  I decide it would be a great idea to show everyone my tits.

10:00pm: I demand another drink from Firefighter.  He obliges.  I inform everyone that I have to go to work tomorrow morning.  No one seems to care. 

10:02pm: I remember that I forgot to help G with his reading homework.  I make Red come into the bathroom with me, supervise me peeing, then make her help me read to G.  G falls asleep in my bed listening to the story.

10:15pm: Back on the porch.  My lovely neighbor J stops by.  She is intrigued by how aggressively we are drinking.  She would like to have a shot.  We do not have a shot glass.

10:16pm: Leprechaun hijacks a coffee cup from my kitchen and fills it with straight rum.  On the way out the door he grabs a bottle of ketchup and squirts it all over his neck.  He runs outside screaming the dog bit the fuck out of him.  No one thinks he is funny.  He redeemed himself by presenting J with the coffee cup full of rum.  J drinks it.  She is happy.

10:20pm: I demand another drink from Firefighter.  I think he just gives me Diet Pepsi.  I pound the drink.  It was not Diet Pepsi.  I am now fucked up.  I show my tits again.

10:22pm: Red shows us pictures of herself all dolled up in tight dresses and hooker shoes.  Firefighter and Leprechaun both pop tents.  This is getting interesting.  I show everyone a picture of my tits, but they weren’t interested, since I showed them my tits several times already in person.

10:30pm: I respectfully request another drink from Firefighter.  Request approved.  Leprechaun fills J’s coffee with straight rum again.  J drinks the rum.  J then decides that it would be fun to run around the yard.  We all giggled because J is super cute when she runs.

10:35pm: Five grown people are fucked up.  Hilarity ensues.

10:40pm: I dare Red to ask her high school friend, Lizard, to text us pictures of his cock.  He responds with pictures of his cock.  I look at the pictures.  J looks at the pictures.  Firefighter even looks at the pictures.  Leprechaun does not look at the pictures, because he insists he is a metrosexual. 

10:41pm: Leprechaun decides that new words like “metrosexual” are not fair.  He wants to invent fancy words, too.  He decides that the new word of the year will be “omniegg.”  According to Leprechaun, “omniegg” means to bring a chick home, fuck her, and have her cook you an egg in the morning.

10:42pm: I demand that we bring Lizard over, because I think that the cock pictures he sent are fake.

10:43pm: J informs Firefighter that his car is so shiny that she can see the moon in it.  J drinks more rum from her coffee cup.

10:44pm: I announce that I am bringing the word “cunt” back.  I insist that everyone no longer say, “Holy Shit!”  I request that everyone now say, “Holy Cunt!”

10:45pm: Firefighter informs me that bringing back the word “cunt” might not be a good idea. He said the word “cunt” in front of a lesbian one time, and the lesbian proceeded to run UP A WALL, do a back flip, land behind him, and bite him in his back.

10:46pm: I realize that Red has indulged in many beers.  I informed her that she must drive me to work the next day, because she made me miss True Blood and forced me to drink.  She said, “You were only going to have one drink.”  I told her, “The last four didn’t count.”

10:47pm: J grabs my tit. 

11:00pm: We are out of beer.  Red makes a pact with the devil and somehow a 12 pack of Bud Light magically appears.

11:05pm: I demand again that Lizard comes over.  Red sends Lizard a text message telling him to walk over, because we are too fucked up to drive the three blocks it takes to get to his house.

11:10pm: J announces that she only gets drunk once every six months.  Red and I know this is not true because she came to my “pre-hurricane-Irene-chicks-only party” two weeks before.  At that party, J got trashed, cooked lasagna, and cleaned my kitchen.  J is an amazing drunk.

11:15pm: Firefighter hacks Red’s Facebook and posts her status as “I love deep in my throught!”  Firefighter invented a new word.  Throught.  Leprechaun is pissed because Firefighter’s new word is cooler than “omniegg.”

11:20pm: I decided that lesbians do not exist since they do not have penises and can only participate in foreplay.  No one cares about my theory.

SIDENOTE: Red is the first of our group to get fucked over this night.

11:40pm: The 12-pack of beer that Red magically conjured disappeared.  Apparently her brand of magic only lasts for 40 minutes.

11:55pm: We decide that more beer is needed.  I continue to demand that Lizard must come over and prove the pictures he sent were real.  Red decides that we are no longer fucked up.  We drive to pick up Lizard. 

12:01am: Lizard gets in the vehicle. We realize that the stores do not sell beer after midnight. 

12:05am: We arrive back to the porch and drink more rum.

12:10am: Lizard proves to me that the pictures he sent were not fake. 

12:20am: We are out of rum.  Six drunks now must now use their critical thinking skills to determine how to make alcohol.

12:25am: J announces that there is a bottle of Evan Williams Honey Reserve at her house. 

12:26am: We respectfully request that she retrieve said bottle of liquor.

12:27am: J does a ninja jump off the porch, drops to the ground, does a front roll, stands up, and runs like a Kenyan across the street.  She staggers back with the booze.

12:28am: Six very drunk adults decide that drinking the Evan Williams straight is an extremely intelligent idea.

12:29am: We all proceed to talk loudly talk about those lame Valtrex genital herpes commercials as two older neighbors are walking down the street.  The neighbors look at us in disgust.  I yell, “Genital Herpes!” very loudly to ensure that they understood the topic of our conversation.  They started walking away very quickly. 

12:30am -- 1:30am: I cannot account for this time, as I have ingested more alcohol than Ted Kennedy could drink in a week.

1:32am: We are out of Evan Williams.  Firefighter and Red decide that they will leave to go to his house. 

1:35am: J does a sweet little dance and announces that everyone will stay longer, because she only gets drunk once every six months.  The group concedes.

1:55am: Firefighter is falling asleep in the chair.  Red is on his lap.  Leprechaun and J are wrestling on the ground.  I ask Lizard again to prove that the pictures he sent were real.  I learned once again that the pictures he sent were, in fact, legit.  I am tickled because I saw a penis.

2:00am: Firefighter, Leprechaun, and Red announce that they have to leave.  I inform Red that she will be taking me to work the next day, as I would still be drunk come 8am.  She reluctantly agrees after I tell her that I will take us to the spa to get our nails done.

2:05am: J is sad that Firefighter, Leprechaun, and Red are leaving.  She tells me and Lizard that she only gets drunk every six months.  Midway through this sentence she does another classic ninja move by jumping off the porch, racing across the yard, and tackling Leprechaun like a football player into Firefighter’s shiny truck.  They fall on the pavement. 

2:06am: We are all laughing hysterically at the possibly mortally wounded duo on the pavement.

SIDENOTE: Firefighter is the second of our group to get fucked over this night.

2:07am: We realize that Firefighter’s extremely shiny truck has a massive dent in the side from where two grown people slammed into it with their bodies.

2:08am: Leprechaun and J are still on the pavement.  We decide not to assist them in standing up, because it is funnier to watch two wounded drunks try to stand upright by themselves.  It was rather like watching a chimpanzee evolve into a caveman in two short minutes.

SIDENOTE: Leprechaun is the third of our group to get fucked over this night.

2:10am: Leprechaun’s knee is more swollen than Kim Kardashian’s ass.

2:11am: Firefighter, Red, and Leprechaun drive away.

2:12am: Lizard, J, and I see Firefighter’s very shiny truck turn around and come back down the street.  They stop at the nearest stop sign. 

SIDENOTE: Firefighter got fucked over not once, but twice this night.

2:13am: We hear very loud, violent puking.  Ha!  Firefighter is puking his guts out!  Fuckin’ right!

2:14am: We laugh until the puking sounds stop.  The truck drives away and is gone for the night.

2:15am: J announces she is hungry.  I realize that Lizard has no way of getting home.  I decide that J needs to eat and drink something.

2:17am: Lizard and I look in the fridge for food and beverage for J.  We find the 12 pack of beer that disappeared earlier in the night in my refrigerator.  The Booze Gods smiled upon us.  We crack beers.  J eats potato chips.

2:25am: J informs Lizard that she doesn’t care what his cock pictures look like.  She states that he has such a small penis it resembles an anthill.  Then she tells me, “I bet you couldn’t suck a dick if your life depended on it.”

SIDENOTE: J is the fourth of our group to get fucked over this night.

2:30am: J is puking violently in my toilet.

2:35am: J disappears.  I imagine her running around the neighborhood drunk as hell and trying to locate her house.  I call Red because this is obviously an emergency.

2:36am: Red answers the phone slightly aggravated.  I announce that J is missing and that we should call the police and file a missing person’s report.  Red informs me that J called her one minute earlier asking for directions on how to get to her house.  Red told J to walk out of my front door, walk straight across the road, and she would be home.  Red did not get off the phone with J until she was safely inside her house.

3:00am -- 4:30am: Lizard and I drink beers and pass out while watching reruns of Tosh.0.

6:00am: Alarms goes off.  I told the alarm to go fuck itself.

7:07am: I realize that I need to get the children ready for school, and I need to get ready for work.  I wake up Lizard.

7:08am: Lizard cracks a beer.

7:10am: Red comes barreling in my house like a drill sergeant.  She manages to get G ready for school, W dressed, makes me curl my hair for work, gets G to ride to school with the neighbor, takes her baby to daycare, and has me ready for work in less than 45 minutes.  I think she worked that Red magic again.

7:55am: We drop Lizard off at his house.

SIDENOTE: Lizard is the fifth of our group to get fucked over.  He apparently locked himself outside of his house and sat on his porch for three hours until someone was able to let him in.

8:00am: Firefighter calls Red.

SIDENOTE: Firefighter was fucked over not once, not twice, but thrice. 

8:01am: Firefighter informs Red that his shiny truck got rear-ended.

8:02am: I giggle thinking about Firefighter’s shiny truck being dented and rear-ended.

8:10am: Red and I drop W off at daycare.

SIDENOTE: I am the sixth and final member of our group to get fucked over.

8:12am: While Red is driving down me to work, I grab an empty shopping bag and puke violently for at least five minutes.  Red continues her conversation to me while I am puking my soul out, because whatever she was saying was very important.

8:20am: I learn that Red’s important information concerned her being hungry and thirsty.  We stop by a gas station for treats and refreshments.

SIDENOTE: I, being the final member of our group to get fucked over, got fucked over again.

8:22am: I grab a desperately needed Gatorade out of the store's fridge.  I offer to pay for Red’s treats.  I open my wallet.  Somehow, $180 walked out of my wallet between the hours of 4:30am and 7:00am.  Fuck me.  How am I supposed to buy beer if I don't get paid until Thursday?

8:23am: I secretly remember that some of Red’s beer is still in my fridge.

8:24am: Red buys my Gatorade.

8:30am -- 9:15am: Red drives me to work while we crack random jokes such as stealing  Coca-Cola trucks and dissing on stupid made-up words like “omniegg.”

9:30am: My first class starts.  I realize that I am still drunk.  I decide to play random YouTube videos for my class because I do not want to teach them.

11:00am: My second class starts.  I am starting to sober up.  I decide to lecture.  Somehow my lecture turns into the pros and cons of genital mutilation.

12:15pm: Redneck, my good buddy, tries to impress me and Red by telling us he caught a “skeeter” in a jar the night before.

12:30pm: Red and I drive off yelling to Redneck, “We are gonna go catch us sum skeeters in a jar!”

12:40pm: Red eats a taco.  I chug some ice water.  We notice two elderly lesbians entering the Family Dollar store.  I tell Red that I could use some hair conditioner, because I would like to see the elderly lesbians up close.

12:45pm: Red sees a Coca-Cola truck.  We discuss the possibility of stealing it. 

12:55pm: I am checking out of the Family Dollar.  The cashier asks me how I am doing.  I reply, “Well, thank you.”  Red informs the cashier that I am lying.  I feel bad for lying.  I correct myself by telling the cashier, “I am actually hungover because I got really fucked up last night.”  The cashier now assumes that Red and I are legally insane.

2:00pm: My third class starts.  A nineteen-year-old girl tries to give me her fourteen-year-old sister’s newborn baby.  I decline the baby.

2:05pm: I decide that I feel well enough to lecture.  The lecture turns into trying to define slang words.  I ask Red if she knows any slang words.  She was texting Firefighter on her phone.  Without looking up from her phone she tells me, “Waddup.”  “Waddup” is now our new favorite slang word.

2:35pm: Over the course of the previous half hour, Red and I learned slang words such as, “beefed out,” “fresh butters,” “blast,” “ish,” and “chillaxin.”

3:00pm: I tell my students to go away because I no longer want to see them.  Red drives me home.

3:30pm: I arrive home.  I want to take a nap.  Then I remembered the True Blood season finale.  I only watched the first few minutes, because I saw Eric Northman and decided my time was best spent rubbing one out.  I nod off because I only slept for an hour an a half the night before.

4:37pm: I check Facebook.  I realized that my last status read, “I have never been so bored before.” 

In summation: Six adults get fucked up.  Red lost her beer.  Leprechaun got his knee tore up.  Firefighter got his shiny truck dented, puked violently, and then got his shiny truck rear-ended.  J turned into a football player and then puked violently.  Lizard got stranded on his porch for three hours.  And I lost $180.  Fuck you, Karma.