Feeling an expert on the subject of romance novels, sex, and relationships, I feel that I should share some of my insight with you. Feel honored, dear readers, because I have even done a bit of research for you. Let’s look at some quick statistics:
- 58 million women read at least one romance novel in 2008.
- 29 percent of Americans over age 13 read at least one romance novel in 2008.
- The average reader is female, aged 31-49, and is currently in a romantic relationship.
I could not find any information on the number of romance novels the average women reads per year, but a healthy guess would be around twenty-five per year. That would be around two books a month, multiplied by twelve months. I really feel like this is on the low-end, but we will use this number for the duration of this blog post. Even this small number will be enough to prove my point. Now let’s look at the average content of a romance novel:
- One slim, yet curvy, virgin.
- One sexy man-whore.
- Two or more sex scenes.
- Happily-ever-afters in the form of an engagement, a marriage, a baby, or any combination of the three.
Hmm ... now this is starting to get interesting. So, based on the information that I have given you so far, the average women is exposed to twenty-five skinny virgins, twenty-five sexy man-sluts, fifty sex scenes, and fifty happily-ever-afters. Many women, after being exposed to just one year of reading romance novels, might begin to think of this equation in their head:
My Virginity - The Freshman Fifteen + One Sexy Man-Whore + Two Hot Bouts of Sex = Happily Ever After!
But we are far from through. Let’s take a closer look at these sexy beasts that romance novels love so much. The typical romance novel develops the hero to be approximately like this:
- Ethnicity: English, Scottish, Southern, or paranormal species (Vampire, Werewolf, Fairy).
- Body Type: All the men are over six feet tall, broad, muscular, and have washboard abs. They also have a startling color of eyes (sky blue and storm gray are the most common), along with either black or blonde hair.
- Finances: They’re rich. Filthy rich. Always, always rich.
- Sexuality: All men portrayed in romance novels are man-whores who have no desire to find love. They have plenty of sex with many women, and their sexual abilities are known far and wide for being mind-shattering. All the men have extremely large cocks and huge balls.
- Interests: All the men only participate in manly activities like riding horses, hunting, doing manual labor, drinking blood, and saving the world. The men in romance novels never watch sports, sit in the garage, or fart. The primary interest of these men, however, is to stay single forever ... that is until they meet the skinny virgin. After that, they suddenly cannot think of other women. They sometimes even go without sex for months or years, because they only want sex with the skinny virgin. The majority of the men feel that once they have enough sex with the skinny virgin they will be able to continue with their lives, but, as always, a declaration of love towards the end of the novel seals their fate. The man-whore then becomes a reformed man of honor.
So now the female readers are left with an even bigger problem if they want to achieve their happily-ever-after. They must find a six foot tall, muscular, southern Werewolf, with blue/gray eyes, black/blonde hair, and a huge dick, who also happens to love manual labor, drinks blood, and is filthy rich.
It is obvious that many women have found this man of their dreams, or someone who at least closely resembles it. Worse case scenario, the woman can always “change” him, right? Every man can and will become like those in romance novels, because no other man exists in romance novels. Right? I digress.
A relationship pursues, but then women have an even bigger problem to deal with. We have already established that romance novels have an average of two sex scenes, and women are exposed to about fifty of these scenes per year. These scenes are very typical, and I can easily describe the two sex scenes found in every romance novel ever written:
- Scene One: The skinny virgin has decided to lose her virginity. The man is often aware that he is dealing with a virgin and acts accordingly. An extremely long bout of foreplay follows as he “prepares” her. Once penetration occurs, there is only a sharp twinge of pain, or no pain at all, followed by intense pleasure. All virgins experience intense orgasms and the man experiences the best orgasm of his life. After the mind-shattering sex, the man goes on to clean up his deflowered virgin by wiping her down with warm cloths or giving her a bath. Many times this first sex scene is followed by a smaller scene, in which the man refuses to have sex with the woman again because of her recent loss of virginity. The man is so in lust he gives her a head job, while his tackle remains painfully swollen. He does not feel the need to have an orgasm, because her pleasure is his own.
- Scene Two: This scene typically happens after the hero and heroine have parted ways, experienced severe trauma, or have had a major fight, only to come together again because they cannot stand to be apart. The sex is hot, intense, and always lasts all night. Once is never enough, and the couple usually has sex five or more times over the course of the night. The woman experiences multiple, intense orgasms.
Wow ... okay ... let’s just be honest here. Romance novels have fucked over men worldwide with this. While your wife or girlfriend is sitting on the recliner reading what you assume to be an innocent novel, she is really comparing your sexual prowess to that of a fictional sexual-super-hero. So now women are thinking in these terms:
My Virginity - The Freshman Fifteen + One Hawt Vampire/Cowboy Hybrid = Incredible, All-Night Sex AND the Happily Ever After!
Okay ... now this is where I step in. Women need to fucking get real. I’ve been around the block a time (or two), and I can tell you that the shit in romance novels needs to stay in romance novels. Women need to look at romance novels for what they REALLY are. Porn. It’s fucking porn. Don’t get all prudish on me, try to deny it, and cover it up with the word “romance.” That’s bullshit. Women get off on reading this stuff. Interestingly enough:
- 70 percent of men ADMITTED they watch pornography films. One study, researching men in their 20s, stated that 100 percent watched porn. I think it is easy to conclude that there are two types of men: those who watch porn and those who lie about watching porn.
- 80 percent of women do not “allow” their husbands or boyfriends to watch pornography.
- The majority of those women read romance novels.
Hypocritical bitches. What is the difference between getting hawt and taking a solo trip down south and your man doing the same while watching some random naked chick? Guess what? You’re not going knock boots with a muscular Vampire sex machine, and he isn’t going to bang Bree Olson. It’s just fantasy. That’s all it’s ever going to be.
- 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce.
- 67 percent of second marriages end in divorce.
Many women cite their partners watching pornography as being the reason why their marriages ended. I wonder how many of those women read romance novels? I wonder how many of those women think that they will find their ideal Scottish Fairy if they just look a little harder, magically regain their virginity, and lose a bit of weight? Get real.
I bet my last nickel that romance novels have done their part to increase divorce rates. That also sounds like a fantastic topic for a dissertation.
LOVE IT: Books.
HATE IT: Television.
CURRENTLY READING: Unwind by Neal Shusterman
CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: Tennis balls hitting my living room wall.
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